I don't know why I do it. I get on to my kids for doing it, but I'm no better than they are. I stay up late for no reason at all doing nothing at all ... just because I don't want to go to sleep.
I guess my mind just gets going sometimes and I don't want to turn it off. I was just sitting here thinking about how I was thinking about how your priorities shift when you have kids a couple of days ago. I've never been a very good time manager because my mind just doesn't work that way.
I like to do things at a whim rather than plan and schedule them out. I suppose that works fine when you don't have a million things competing to claim a spot as a top priority. Maybe what I'm bothered by is that I don't take enough time to process what should be a priority and I operate on a whim doing things that aren't very important.
I could (and frankly do) waste hours and hours on the computer, on the iPad, watching TV, etc. which add practically no value to my life or the lives of the people around me. What's up with that? I guess it's an American culture thing and greatly a function of how I grew up, but it bothers me.
Isn't there something better that I should be doing with my time? Should I be playing more games with my kids? Should I be planning dates with my wife? Should I be volunteering? Shouldn't I be doing anything but rotting my brain away on these trivial pursuits of entertainment?
The answer has to be yes.
Life is so short and I can't help but think that I am wasting a huge portion of it on things that just don't matter. Don't we all do that? Why? Because it's easy?
I know that I was not put on this Earth so that The Jersey Shore would have an audience. So why do I do it?
I do look for other things to fill the dead space. Music, a book, exercise, but many are self-serving. I keep coming back to the thought that I'm selfish. That don't have the heart of a servant. I want that, but I resist it because it conflicts with my perception of how other's view me (that's a convicting thing to type).
I'm distant. I have this sort-of sickness where I don't want to feel influenced by the praise of others so I often resist doing things that I am compelled to do because it might please them even though I want to do it. Isn't that ridiculous? It is. It's ridiculous.
Why does the thought of someone else changing their perception of me make me so uncomfortable?
4th of July
12 years ago
3 comments:
Just had a thought. Is the answer that they will expect the same of me next time?
Brad, I've wondered that very thing about you. Is it because you were my little brother? I sure hope I didn't play a part in that. Maybe it's that you don't want to seek acceptance from people, just God? Or you don't want people to "manipulate" you into doing something by rewarding you with praise??
I've thought the same about the time wasted on TV, phone, computer, etc. One of my New Year's resolutions is to intentionally spend less time watching TV and playing on my phone/computer. I want my family to know they are #1(well other than God) and not me. I think I like to put my brain into a coasting mode. Where I can "escape" reality and forget the lists of "To Do" stuff... why I like TV. And the computer.... I guess I'm just nosey, I like to know what's going on??
Heather
Heather,
I think that I've just always wanted to do things on my own terms. I don't want to do things because they are a projection of the expectations of others. I want to act on my own assessment of what's correct.
I do think that I had high expectations projected onto me throughout my childhood, and a part of me really resented that. Everyone wants to be their own person, not just an extension of someone else. We want to be in control of our own thoughts and actions.
I guess I'm still trying to understand it so that I can address how I react to it ...
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